You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
