not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
