when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
