Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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