remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
