So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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