You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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