hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
