I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
