My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
