Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
