My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
