Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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