Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
