The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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