No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
