I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
