Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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