my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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