I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
