I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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