Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
