dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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