I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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