I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
