She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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