All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
