Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
