My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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