Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
