Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
