my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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