either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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