Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
