I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
