Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
