new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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