Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
