ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Holy shit dude........stairs
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
