the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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