Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
