i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
