Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
