Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
