I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
