Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
