My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
and you fell through a lawn chair
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
