chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
