I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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