I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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