paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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